


The First Step

by vanishingbyler



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Religion, Sexuality Crisis, also im being Obvious As Fuck by starting this w a performance of Touch Me lmao, idk how to tag this lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 07:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14420667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanishingbyler/pseuds/vanishingbyler
Summary: Simon Saunders can directly pinpoint the beginning of the end.Simon is pushed to accept himself for who he really is.





	The First Step

**Author's Note:**

> lmaooooo first work for rise lol idek if im gnna write ny more but siremy has me SOFT so here u go lol (excuse any mistakes, i wrote this on my phone in a hospital waiting room lmao)

Simon Saunders can directly pinpoint the beginning of the end.

 

It’s Wednesday night play rehearsal, and the troupe are rehearsing  _ Touch Me.  _ Simon is on vocal rest for the week, after a warning from his doctor that the amount he was rehearsing was a risk to his voice. The agreement he has since made with Mr Mazzu is that, provided he comes to extra lunchtime rehearsal to practice choreography, he could sit out the main rehearsals.

 

He’s sat in the seats, watching the production, and doing everything in his power to tear his eyes away from Jeremy. It’s hard, since the pretty boy hasn’t left his mind since that fucking kiss. 

 

Speak of the devil, Jeremy takes a step forward to start his solo.

 

It’s like he’s looking Simon dead in the eyes on purpose. ‘Touch me,’ he sings, staring into Simon’s soul. ‘Just like that…’ Simon feels his heart pound out of his chest. ‘And that, oh yeah.’ All the air seems to leave the auditorium. ‘Now that’s heaven, now that I like…’ Simon doesn’t notice as the song trickles out. The pianist stops playing, Jeremy’s vocals die away, and there’s a gasp or two from the rest of the cast. But Simon doesn’t hear any of it, because the flood walls have broken and he’s crying. He’s two rows from the stage with sobs wracking his whole body. He doesn’t have it in him to stop, or move, or breathe. 

 

He’s unaware of all that’s happening around him. All he can think of is Jeremy (and a string of words that don’t bear repeating). It takes several seconds for him to process the feeling of a sturdy hand on his shoulder guiding him out of his seat. He can’t see, but he hears Ms Wolfe stumbling over her words as she tells Michael to get in place to practice  _ Don’t Do Sadness.  _

 

Mr Mazzu leads him out of the auditorium and into the theatre office. When they sit, Simon is still bawling, and Mazzu doesn’t push him to stop. He just hands him a box of tissues and waits out the flood.

 

After almost ten minutes, Simon can breathe. His face is red and blotchy, his cheeks stained with tears. He’s trying as best he can to get words out, desperate to explain his breakdown to the teacher he expects is most likely to understand.

 

“Are you okay, Simon?”   
“I-I have a lot going on.”

 

He wishes he could explain himself clearly, but the explanation is the  _ one  _ word his brain won’t let him say.

 

“I know that, but it’s my job to worry. Do you want me to call somebody?”   
“No!” Simon doesn’t know what he needs right now, but it definitely isn’t his parents.   
“Is it to do with the show?”   
“... Kind of?”

 

Simon’s eyes are red raw, and he can’t bring them to look at his teacher. He’s pretty sure they both know what he’s avoiding saying.

 

“Simon, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Anton knows all your parts, he can be Hanschen if you don’t feel comfortable doing the gay scenes with-”   
“No! No, sir, please. You can’t take Hanschen away from me. I need this.”   
“I’m just feeling that we’ve already put far too much pressure on you with the role. And now you’re-”   
“I need to do this. Please. The fact I’m struggling is the reason I need it. Please, Mr Mazzu, don’t let me turn down the role.”

 

He feels the weight of this moment as his teacher’s eyes bore into him, searching for a reason to agree with his words. After a moment or two, he sighs and brings his eyes back up to look at Simon’s.

 

“Fine. But you have to swear to me that if it starts to get on top of you, you'll tell me. We’ll meet after Wednesday rehearsals every week until the show so I can keep up with how you're you're doing, and if you start getting overwhelmed during practice, you have a right to a time out. Just give me a signal, and I'll switch up the rehearsal so you can take a breather. Agreed?”

 

Simon nods so fast he thinks his head might fall off, endlessly grateful for this second chance (well, more like fifth chance). He and Mazzu share a look, a weak smile that doesn’t feel forced for Simon. Mr Mazzu says that he’s going back to the auditorium and leaving Simon here to gather himself. Just as he’s about to leave, Simon calls back to him.

 

“Thank you, Mr Mazzu. Could you- uh, could you send Jeremy out here?”

 

Mr Mazzu just smiles at him and walks away, and Simon breathes a shaky sigh.

 

As hard as this afternoon has been, Simon knows that it’s a good thing. He knows that his big secret is out there now, and that he no longer has to keep everything bottled inside of him, ready to explode. Although the words were never spoken, Mr Mazzu knows that Simon is gay, and soon Jeremy will too. He probably has no choice but to tell Lilette, who almost certainly already knows. His pastor and his parents can wait, however. This is for him, and a few people who may understand.

 

He’s aware that his parents will blame the show. They’ll force girls on him, assuming that this revelation has only come to light because of his constantly being bombarded with homosexuality through playing Hanschen. They’ll keep him away from Jeremy, keep him away from Mr Mazzu,  _ definitely  _ keep him away from  _ Spring Awakening.  _ That’s something he’s not ready to allow.

 

The door creaks open and closes gently behind Jeremy, who’s eying the scene with caution. He’s been doing this lately, tiptoeing around Simon for fear he might snap.

 

Simon is tired of feeling like the eggshells that everyone has to walk over.

 

He stands up from his chair, shaking a little. He strides across the room towards Jeremy, knowing that if he takes smaller steps his legs will never actually take him to his goal. He stands in front of Jeremy, eye to eye, breathing heavily. The air around him feels thick, yet alight with excitement for what is to follow. Jeremy looks confused, and Simon looks prepared.

 

He puts his hands on the other boy’s face, takes one final breath, and leans in.

 

They kiss.

 

It’s somehow intense, and Simon feels like he needs it. It’s almost like breathing, and he can taste the want on Jeremy’s lips. He can feel electricity sparking between them and he feels so,  _ so  _ alive. This is more than the kiss on stage, more than the kiss in the parking lot, even more than his almost-sexual encounter with Annabelle. This is what Simon realises now that he’s been needing for the longest time. Everything he feels within this moment is what Jeremy was talking about when he asked if Simon felt something.

 

When he pulls away, Jeremy’s eyes are wide and his mouth agape. He can't stop staring at Simon, who's just smiling shyly. His fingers trace his lips, tainted with disbelief that he  _ actually  _ had the confidence to do that. 

 

“S-Simon? What was that about?”

 

Simon just smiles, dragging a finger across his lips and twisting it, miming zipping his lips and throwing away the key. A grin spreads across Jeremy’s face and he reaches out a hand to cup Simon’s flushed cheek.

 

“Can we do it again?”

 

Simon leans in almost before Jeremy is done speaking, desperate for another taste of the freedom that came from kissing him.

 

It's like nothing he's ever experienced before, and he never wants it to end.

 

When they pull away this time, Simon takes Jeremy’s hand in his own, squeezing it and looking him dead in the eyes. Neither one of them needs to say a word to know what this means.

 

They walk towards the auditorium hand in hand, and this time when Simon slides his hand out of Jeremy’s, the other boy doesn’t confront him about it. There’s an unspoken agreement between the two that they have something, now. Simon may not be ready to share it, but that’s okay.

 

They have each other. They have the show, and their teachers, and their friends. That’s the first step, and they’re ready to take it together.

 

They re-enter the auditorium, and life goes on.


End file.
